Sunday, July 20, 2014

I HOPE THIS FINDS YOU…



I hope this finds you…you know who you are;
My soul mate, my split-apart, the one from afar;
We used to be one, but were ripped right in two;
To wander through time feeling lonely and blue;
I know you are here in this time, in this place;
I feel your soul near and the smile on your face;
When our timing is right, our quest will then end;
We will meld back together, our soul will then mend.
FIND ME…I AM ETERNALLY WAITING.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I AM UNDER THE INFLUENCE...

I AM UNDER THE INFLUENCE...of so many people who have touched my life.  Only a handful have remained constant, tried and true and they are the people who are meant to be there.

Did you ever stop to think about the reasons people enter our lives?  Some stay forever, but the majority are here and gone once their purpose has been fulfilled.  God's plan includes these particular souls to touch our lives in order for us to move forward or to heal or to get to where we need to be.  Even a person you abhor can have a reason for touching your life in a negative way only to discover a positive meaning.

I recently sat down and made a list of as many people as I could remember, all the way back from childhood, who have been in my life, even for a day.  I then took this list and tried to write next to each person what they taught me or what I might have taught them.  This was a real eye-opener.  I suddenly realized that if "blank" hadn't been in my life then "blank" wouldn't have happened...or if I hadn't of been in "blank's" life then "blank"wouldn't have happened for them.

Therefore, I wouldn't be where I am today or who I am today, without all the people I have ever met and I would be no one at all without the influence of God and his son who gave his life for all of us.


Wednesday, June 4, 2014

DEAR GOD...PLEASE...

Dear God,

I recently learned in Church that we should not question why things are...or how things turn out, because it is all in our plan to happen a certain way...your way...in your time.  I accept that and am trying so hard to learn patience during the waiting process.  However, knowing all of this I still wish I could send you a list of things I wish for in my life and have them magically happen.  If this were possible I would send you a list like this:

1.   I wish I didn't have BPD so that I could function in life.
2.   I wish if I could function in life, that I would have a certain type of friends again like I used to.
3.   I wish if I could have this type of friends again that they would be the kind that think of me and not make me feel invisible.  The kind who call me out of the blue, who text me just because they are thinking of me, who invite me to go places and do things because they truly enjoy my company as much as I do theirs.
4.   I wish I were lovable.
5.   I wish I were young and attractive.
6.   I wish that with the friends I do have I didn't always feel like I were begging for their friendship.  That they were not so wrapped up in themselves and could find time to include me more often and show me I am loved.
7.   I wish that I could move away and afford to go to the place I am meant to be to make my life happen.
8.   I wish that I had a life.
9.   I wish that I knew how to feel complete
10. I wish I were so secure in myself that I could care less if I had anyone in it at all.
11. I wish people would appreciate me.
12. I wish life made sense to me.
13. I wish I were content.
14. I wish my faith were stronger.
15. I wish I knew how to enjoy every minute of life to its very fullest.
AMEN

Saturday, May 31, 2014

HOW TO LOVE…

 

Awhile back I posted about the fact that I suffer from several mental illnesses, the toughest one being BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  One of the most challenging things for someone like me to do is to have a successful relationship of any kind.  The first time I heard this Lil Wayne song, I don’t know, it just seemed to click with me.  I thought I would post the lyrics with the hope that anyone else out there suffering from BPD or similar disorders might find a moment’s solace in reading these lyrics (the video on YouTube is awesome).

"How To Love"

Cut the music up, little louder
yeah
You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn't ever figure out
How to love
How to love
You had a lot of moments that didn't last forever
Now you're in a corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
For a second you were here
Now you over there
It's hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Never had a love
When you was just a youngin' your looks were so precious
But now your grown up
So fly it's like a blessing but you can't have a man look at you for five seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself, so when you got older
It's seems like you came back ten times over
Now you're sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulders
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn't ever figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever
Now you're in this corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
For a second you were here
Now you over there
It's hard not to stare the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Had a love
Oh, you had a lot of dreams that transformed to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn't your fault
Wasn't in your intentions
To be the one here talking to me
Be the one listenin'
But I admire your popping bottles and dippin'
Just as much as you admire bartending and stripping
Baby, so don't be mad
Nobody else tripping
You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn't ever figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
Oh,
See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
Yeah
And I want you to know, you're far from the usual
Far from the usual
You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn't ever figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn't ever figure out
How to love
How to love
Yeah, see you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever
Now you in this corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love, mmmm.

Monday, April 28, 2014

I’M SO GRATEFUL!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you ever take stock of your life and realize just how many true and authentic friends you actually have?  The old adage goes that if you’re lucky, you can count your true friends on one hand, but that you will have many acquaintances et al, who will enter and leave your life quickly and sometimes without rhyme or reason.  I used to wonder what the purpose was of those people who enter our lives for just a short time and then came to realize that they are lessons.  Each person that has entered my life, whether the outcome was good or bad, has taught me a valuable lesson and been an intricate  part of advancing my life on its true course. 

I used to get angry when I let certain people in who in turn would me in some manner, but then again, I was the one who let them use me so the “oops” was really on me, not on them.   Each time though, I learned something about myself, about life, about feelings, emotions and value.  Each time I’ve gained insight into who I am on a much deeper level as I notice my reactions to their actions and sometimes, very rarely mind you, I come out of it with someone who actually sticks around…someone who actually cares about me…someone who I know I can count on through thick and thin, ups and downs, sanity or insanity, fighting and making up, with a “forever” feel to our connection. 

I just want to thank you, God, for this beautiful life you have given me to cherish, for the clean slate I am granted every morning, for free will and for the awesome people who enter my life, see me for who I really am (even on my road to self-discovery)  and still want to stay.  I grow stronger every day because of you and because of them.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

PLEASE UNDERSTAND…

 

BPD – BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER…

To my friends and family who have put up with me for so many years and still remain in my life…I owe you the greatest debt of gratitude I can muster.  My entire life people have said to me, “Your feelings are hurt too easily,” or “You take everything to heart,” or “You’re way too sensitive,” but to name a few.  Having this diagnosis of BPD has given me an understanding of who I am and has helped me come to terms with it.  It is something I can never get rid of, but hey, I’ve had it for almost 52 years now and in a sick sort of way I don’t know who I would be otherwise.

For those of you who want to understand this disease or those of you strong enough to live your life with one of us, I wanted to post the following information.  For me, I post it with the hopes that those of you who have stayed in my life, can finally understand my “crazy” side.

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Living with borderline personality disorder is not easy. Intense emotional pain, and feelings of emptiness, desperation, anger,hopelessness, and loneliness are common. These symptoms canaffect every part of your life. However, despite the suffering that borderline personality disorder (BPD) can cause, many people learn ways to cope with the symptoms and lead normal, fulfilling lives.

How Does Living with Borderline Personality Disorder Affect You?

Relationships
BPD can have a major impact on your relationships. In fact, having difficulties in relationships is one of the primary symptoms of BPD. People with BPD have lots of arguments and conflict with loved ones, or a lot of relationships that break up repeatedly. The way that they feel about their family, friends, or partner can change dramatically from day-to-day or hour-to-hour. These patterns can be very difficult both for the person with BPD and those who care about him or her.

Work
Work, school, or other productive pursuits can give us a sense of purpose in life. Unfortunately, BPD can interfere with success at work or school. Because BPD has such an impact on relationships, people with BPD may find themselves in trouble with co-workers, bosses, teachers, or other authority figures. The intense emotional changes may also impact work or school; people with BPD may have to be absent more often due to emotional concerns or hospitalization. Some of the symptoms of BPD (e.g.,
dissociation) can also interfere with concentration, making task completion very difficult.

Physical Health
Unfortunately, BPD can also have a major impact on physical health. BPD is associated with a variety of serious health conditions, including chronic pain disorders such as fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, arthritis, obesity, diabetes, and serious health problems. BPD is also associated with less healthy lifestyle choices (e.g., smoking, alcohol use, lack of regular exercise).

BPD and the Law
Some of the behaviors associated with BPD can lead to legal problems. The anger associated with BPD can lead to aggression (e.g., assaulting others, throwing objects, or acting out against others' personal property). Impulsive behaviors, such as driving recklessly, abusing substances, shoplifting, or engaging in other illegal acts, can also lead to trouble.

Coping with the Symptoms of BPD

People with BPD do not have to resign themselves to a life of emotional pain. Below are some things you can do that can help. These are just the beginning. Getting help from a licensed mental health professional, and learning more about how to manage the symptoms of BPD, can alleviate the impact of BPD on your life.

Get Help
BPD is a very serious disorder. The intense experiences associated with BPD are not something that one person should face alone. Fortunately, there are a number of effective treatments for BPD. Finding a professional you feel comfortable with is one of the most important steps you can take for your health.

Have a Safety Plan
BPD causes very painful emotions, and as a result, it is not uncommon for mental health emergencies (for example, active suicidality) to arise. For this reason, it is critical you to have a safety plan in place before a crisis happens. If you are in danger of harming yourself or others, what will you do? Can you call 911? Is there a hospital nearby with an emergency room that you can go to? If you have a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, or social worker, talk this plan over with them. Learn more about what to do in a crisis so that you can keep yourself (and others) safe.

Get Support
Having the support of your family, friends, or partner can be a big help. But, not everyone has someone to turn to when things get difficult. You may need to find ways to connect with others, and to build a support network for yourself. BPD is not an uncommon disorder; it occurs in about 1.4% of the population. That means that there are roughly four million people with BPD in the U.S. alone. Many of those people are looking for support, just like you.

Take Care of Yourself
It is important that individuals with BPD take good care of themselves. Good self-care can reduce emotional pain, increase positive emotions, and help reduce the emotional ups and downs experienced by people with BPD. Good self-care includes eating nutritious and regular meals, practicing good sleep hygiene, getting regular exercise, taking time for relaxation and stress-reduction, and scheduling enjoyable activities.

How to Live With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Living with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder can be difficult--especially if you don't have any previous knowledge or experience with the disorder. Follow these tips to ease your experience of living with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Instructions

1.

Accept that a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer has an illness. Don't be quick to judge or hold their behavior against them.

o 2

Read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. Learn as much as you can about the illness and ways to cope with it as a person who doesn't have it. Find ways to make understanding Borderline Personality Disorder and the person with whom you are living an ongoing process.

o 3

Get objective about the person's illness and his behavior. Recognize symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder versus other personality traits. Validate your reactions and feelings to the Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer's behavior as much as the behavior itself.

o 4

Support as much as you can without compromising your own needs. Realize that you need to care for yourself while attempting to contribute to the well-being of another.

o 5

Be ready to be disappointed in the sufferer's behavior. Borderline Personality Disorder is not an illness that completely goes away due to your efforts. However, learn how to be compassionate and forgiving of the person.

o 6

Find balance within yourself. Living with a person who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder will be much harder if you do not feel stable yourself.

o 7

Learn how to take breaks from your living situation. Living with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder can be exhausting on many different levels. Take time to regroup.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

A HALF-EMPTY SOUL

How do you fill a half-empty soul? This is the question that has plagued me since I started losing so many close relationships from my life to death and other of life's unpleasant circumstances.  A friend said to me the other day that if his mother dies, as she is not currently in the best of health, that we will then see a whole other version of him. This made me realize that he has no idea of who I was before I met him.  He never got to know the real me, the whole me because by the time we met, my mother, my best friend, confidante, and all around rock, had just died and I morphed into the person I am today; a half-empty soul, struggling to pull myself out of the quicksand, while only succumbing to the multitude of emotional disorders that have been piling up since her death.

I feel as though my body is made up of two giant vials of liquid substance which together, constitute one whole soul; one on the left side, filling up one whole side of my soul, and the other on the right side, doing the same.  I believe that some time before she passed, the liquid substance on the right side started to drain and it drained so fast that by the time she actually died, that vial was empty...dry as a bone. That side of my soul had vanished.  I have tried and tried to find people or places or things to fill it back up, and even though some of those people, places and things have been good and added back a little substance here and there, it never stays for long and drains right back out.  

My question?  Where does one turn to seal that leak so the liquid substance can build back up and complete my soul again?  Is it even possible?  Or should I just be accepting of what I've become and learn to live with half a soul.  I think that that would feel like accepting defeat, like I gave up and didn't try hard enough to gain it back.  I long for someone to come along and just say, "Oh, no problem. Here's some caulking for the bottom of that leaky tube and once it dries, go out there and fill it up...it will never leak out again."  Okay, so maybe that isn't a realistic fantasy, but then most fantasies aren't very realistic.  

So then as I see it, my previous attempts at filling this tube back up have been futile because until recently, I never realized that the bottom of the tube was still wide open.  I guess my real goal at this point should not be about filling it up, but sealing the hole on the bottom, which I believe is going to come in the form of grief and/or loss counseling in order to learn coping skills and build back a solid foundation.  Once I accomplish that, then and only then will I be able to begin adding liquid substance back into the tube and eventually my soul will be whole again.

Why do I write this?  Because loss is a part of life and we all lose close relationships to either death, or foolish pride, or other circumstances. Hopefully someone will read this and know that if and when it happens to them, (or maybe it already has) don't scramble and try to fill that empty part of you until you can repair the damage...you will only struggle down in the quicksand and waste your time and effort. Seek out someone who can help shed light on a way to seal that hole and build your foundation so that the good things can come into your life and fill you back up.  Had I realized this much sooner, I believe I would now be fully mended and back on the upswing.  Don't wait until you have gone full bore round the loony bin like I did and be diagnosed with two new emotional disorders on top of the two I already had.  My hope is that reading this will help you know what path not to take in your grieving process, whoever  and wherever you are.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

EX-PECT-FUCKING-TATIONS

EX-PECT-FUCKING-TATIONS…

I love the expression…”One day at a time,” however someone like me still needs that narrowed down to, “One second at a time,” because with OCD (not to mention the other three mental disorders), If I know I have a whole day to plan, then I very much want to plan it.  At least with a one-second-at-a-time view of the world, it is very difficult for me to plan each second and build up expectations for those seconds and/or be let down if those plans fail.

Expectations suck!  I mean, there isn’t a better way to put it…they bite the big weenie!  Where does it come from, this obsession to expect things from people?  I wish I could expect nothing from people and then I would always be pleasantly surprised if the outcome were to my liking or in some way benefitted me or a part of my life in a positive way.  How do I learn not to expect things from those I trust.  I think I first have to realize that I tend to put people I really love high up on a pedestal, at which time those people then do not seem human anymore; they are more like superheroes at this point.  The top of this pedestal is a dangerous place to be.  Not only does this person now have to prove they belong up there, but they have to appear to be superhuman as well.  The worst part?  The person has no idea any of this is happening.  It’s only visible and apparent through my twisted and warped mind so, when they fail to treat me like a pedestal person ought to treat me, then I take it out on them, the whole time they are shaking their head, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion, wondering, “What the fuck?”  I would love some advice, no that’s not the right word…training, that’s the word, on how to find patience in one’s self and how to let people just be people without having to put them up on that cold, drafty, imbalanced pedestal.


I hadn’t realized it until recently, but I put my best friend, whose initials are P.A.L. (no, seriously), up on one of those and it’s driven him mad.  Well, technically he is actually already mad, but I think I’m wearing him out.   He said to me the other day that I was trying to create or live in a bubble.  Not sure where he was going with that but then it dawned on me that maybe he is saying that I need to pop the bubble and find other friends and seek new situations and experiences besides just work and his family, which he has so graciously been sharing with me.  He’s right, but given the strength I lost over the holidays it is just taking me such a long time this time to get back to being me.  His patience, despite his own problems and worries, has been a warm, fuzzy blanket for me this winter, which I wouldn’t have made it through without his love and support.  However, he IS the one I expect things from, but he probably doesn’t know it.  I now have to adjust this poisonous pattern and learn not to expect anything from him, or anyone else including myself, and hope that it isn’t too late for him to come back around.  I need to be high up in the stands supporting him, helping him, being there to listen, picking him up if he falls, keeping his secrets, lifting his spirits when he needs lifted, and loving him unconditionally with no judgment.  Normally I would expect him to do the same for me, but therein lies the problem, EX-PECT-FUCKING-TATIONS.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

MARIJUANA...NOT JUST FOR PARTIES ANYMORE!

How fucked up our society is to constantly sit in judgment of how hard-working, stressed out, tax-paying citizens choose to unwind, especially if they are not harming anyone, including themselves.  We have so many work-related and life-in-general related stressors every day that it is no wonder a lot of people go home and need to have that drink or xanax or joint to unwind.  Out of the three I just mentioned though, let's face it, marijuana (mary jane, maria juana, pot) is grown naturally from the earth.  It is a plant that is not chemically altered and has calming effects on most people who use it, not to mention its benefits with glaucoma and other diseases.  I believe if every stressed out person on the planet smoked marijuana this world would be a lot calmer and people would harbor a lot less anger, thereby reducing violence.
Get a clue, government, I may not use it myself (even if I did I wouldn't divulge), but that is no reason to deprive people of some of God's, green, naturally-grown foliage.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Definition of Loneliness

Definition of Loneliness:



loneliness

  

lone·ly

  [lohn-lee]

adjective, lone·li·er, lone·li·est.
1.
affected with, characterized by, or causing a 
depressing 
feeling of being alone; lonesome.
2.
destitute of sympathetic or friendly 
companionship, 
intercourse,support, etc.: a lonely exile.
3.
lonesolitary; without company; 
companionless.
4.
remote from places of human habitation; 
desolate; 
unfrequented;bleak: a lonely road.
5.
standing apart; isolated: a lonely tower.

I think the definition that stands out most for me is in number 3, 
companionless.  
I guess because I live alone and have no companion I would be 
considered 
lonely, and around this time of year, I would tend to agree.  
Holidays really 
try to get the message drilled into one's head that the holidays are 
a time to 
reunite with loved ones and be with the ones you love.  Well guess 
what Hallmark...some of us can't be with the one's we love because 
we have made 
such a fucking mess of our lives that we love people we cannot have 
or we 
keep our hearts closed off because of stupid things from the past.  
My best 
friend told me the other day that he thinks I'm alone because my past 
has 
damaged me and I will never let anyone in again (although he worded 
it 
differently).  This got me to thinking really hard, not that I had much 
else to do, 
us lonely people seldom do, and I realized he is wrong.  Totally and 
completely
wrong!  I am finally able to let someone in and would totally commit 
to this 
person with all of my heart and soul and make it last til death us do 
part.  
The problem you ask? It is with a person who doesn't know I feel this 
way.  
I could tell them, but I think if I did that right now it would ruin what 
we have 
as friends and I don't want to risk that.  I hate that you can't help who 
you fall 
in love with.  It would be so much easier if we could.

Lonely?  Sure, but this too shall pass and around every corner in life, there 
is new hope.  I hate the holidays!

Sunday, December 1, 2013

GRAB YOUR MIRACLE WHEN YOU SEE IT

Love is tough at best, except in those rare occasions when it is absolutely right.  We cannot help who we love, we’re not supposed to.  This brings to mind being in love with two people at the same time.  I was still living in Point Arena and in a relationship.  The problem was that I had been head-over-heels in love with a man I met when I was 16 and he was in his 30’s.  We had instant chemistry and my thoughts obsessed over him…and the feeling was mutual.  Through the years we both had relationships with other people, but no relationship could compare with what I felt for him.  I think that is why neither of our relationships worked out because our timing was always off and no other person could ignite even the smallest spark to compare to the fire we had between us.  It was as though we didn’t really love the people we were with, well not in the same way we loved each other, even though we thought we did.  Most times those loves were no more than friendships, faking our way through the motions.  At the time we met, we didn’t do anything about it because I was too young and he was in a relationship.  In fact, it wasn’t until many years later that we ever hooked up and dated, etc.  But at that time another problem arose.  Now that he was free and I was almost free, he scared the shit out of me.  Not him, in particular, but what he represented.  He represented a love and a passion I had never known and its intensity was so powerful, not to mention the promise of stability, and we were so right for each other that it threatened to take me out of the sick pattern in which I was living with my son’s father.  This is a sick pattern I clung to because sick relationships were all I had ever known since the rape.  I had never had a healthy relationship before.  It is a shame that my head was so messed up back then or I would have followed him when he moved away, an offer he made to me just before he left.  I could have had a healthy relationship for once and really known what it was to love and be loved and respected and accepted for who I was.  He was so good with my son as well.  It crushed my world when he passed away.

They say that hindsight is 20/20…I say amen to that.  My message here is that you should always be true to your feelings.  Those feelings are messages being sent to you from above, to get you on the path you are meant to live for the purpose you are meant to serve.  You may be in one of these situations now, but make excuses like, “I don’t know if it will work,” or “I’m scared to take the risk,” or “It’s too late,” or “I’m trying to keep our (dysfunctional) family together for the sake of the kids (like my parents did), but believe me, kids don’t want to live in an environment where there is tension and arguing all the time.  I can tell you from experience that my brothers and I were always tied in knots because we could hear and feel the crap between my parents and always wished they would separate.  Brice felt it between Steve and I and he was miserable during those times, and he was only 4. 


It’s all about risk and blind faith.  There are miracles around every corner, all you have to do is listen and look for them.  I am patiently awaiting my miracle and I know that that is what is required of me right now…patience and waiting…two things I suck at…LMAO.  But that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit at home while I’m waiting.  I’m going out and live life to the fullest.  When my miracle finally comes to fruition, I will drop all I’m doing at the time and grab onto it with a death grip because…I’m not letting this one get away.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

YES, I'M BI-POLAR...DEAL WITH IT!

Why is it when people find out that you are different from "normal" people, most of them treat you like you have the plague?  I previously addressed the term "normal" is one of my earlier posts so you know I don't believe that such a condition really exists.  People are who they are and what they are made up of.  Parts of me are sane while other parts of me are termed as insane.  I view the world differently than most people I know.  I have bi-polar disorder, also known as manic/depressive disorder, major OCD, ADD, and a whole bunch of other acronyms...too numerous to mention, and to top it all off, I'm bisexual.  In most people's eyes, this makes me undesirable, as a friend, lover, life companion, or a mere acquaintance. I'm out there...I say what I mean and I mean what I say.  I have no filtering system between my brain and my mouth, most of the time and I don't care if people around me are uncomfortable because of what I say or how I say it.  I love passionately, I feel deeply, and I love to spoil people in my life who mean something to me.  I'm extremely loyal...I'm the one person who is going to be there for you when everyone and everything around you seems to be in turmoil.  I will always pick you up, dust you off and send you back out there to fight the world with me guarding your back.

Very few people have the privilege of being part of my life because they run at the first glimpse into my insanity.  Well, sorry to say it people, but if you want to be in my life you have to accept me, not only for my sane moments, but my insane moments as well.  I can count on one hand the people who have been able to do this and I thank God for them every day.  I find I get along best with people who are like me, who also have flaws and disorders and major social and emotional "abnormalities."  

My highs are extremely high and my lows extremely low, but I manage to hold down a job, keep a paycheck coming in, make my mortgage payments, pay my bills, and live the american, fucking dream.  Yeah, some dream.  What I desire in my life right now is to have close friends who I can talk to, day or night, on the phone or in person and go places and do things with.  I want that friend to need me and call me with their problems so we can work them out together, keeping me in the loop because I'm that important to them and they know I will always be there to back them, no rules, no judgments, no expectations.  It's a very lonely life without close friends.  That is not to say that I have no close friends.  I have three in California, one in France and one here in Arizona.  I love them all very much. 

I hope if any of you reading this knows someone with mental, emotional and/or social disorders, that you give them a chance and stick around long enough to find out who they are.  Otherwise, you could be throwing away the chance to get to know someone who could be the coolest person you've ever met.

Life is what you make of it...so make it absolutely fabulous.

Friday, November 29, 2013

THE POWER OF BELIEF...IN ALL THINGS

Did you ever want something SO much that you just couldn't stand it?  Did you ever pray so hard you thought your soul would explode?  I can certainly answer yes to both, but I have learned something recently...the power of belief...in all things.  We each come with different sets of instructions when we are born, no two models exactly the same.  We all have different needs and wants and belief systems.  I personally believe in the power of prayer...most of the time just chatting with my angels.  I notice how, when I am at my altar, meditating and praying and talking, that the next day it seems as though my wishes have come true. Not all of them, but there are definite signs.  Today, for example, I asked for signs upon two different occasions and received them each time.  Then I realized, you have to believe.  If you believe in all things, your dreams and wishes will come true.  It is the power of positive thinking (which is something I'm grabbing onto tightly right now after my recent bout with doubt and other such crap).  A positive attitude puts positive karma out there and it comes back to you.  For example, almost two years ago I prayed so hard for a best friend here in AZ and, not replacing any of my BFF's in California, I was granted one.  He is probably the person I feel closest to right now and I thank God every day for putting him into my life.  Without belief in all things and a firm belief in positivity, life can beat the shit out of you.  

Sunday, November 3, 2013

PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS I SAW IN BISBEE (YESTERDAY)

OLD BISBEE PARK



UP  BREWERY GULCH



THAT'S A LOT OF BOTTLE CAPS


DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU WONDER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE INDOORS?



CHILLIN' 


I WONDER IF THIS IS THEIR "BEWARE OF DOG" ALTERNATIVE SIGN








Saturday, October 26, 2013

WE ARE THE SUM OF ALL THE PEOPLE WE’VE EVER KNOWN…

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 we are the sum of all the people we have ever known…as well as those we have briefly met.  I was recently thinking about a new friend I made and how, within the short time I have known her, her presence in my life has altered the way I view certain things, as if in a brand new light.  Her views on life in general and honesty and integrity really made me think that I was meant to meet her at this particular time in my life because those are values that have recently taken on great importance to me in a way they never have before, and to meet someone with those core values now, is like being told, “this is another part of who you are and who you want to be, and this person can strengthen those qualities in you.”  It isn’t that I don’t already believe in those things and use them in my daily life, but their value was never clear to me until recently.cheek2cheek  On the same note, I have been able to help her with areas she has been struggling to bring to the surface in her life as well.

It is now that I realize how plotted our lives are, and by that I mean our paths are mapped out for us even though we think we are making our own choices most of the time (and to some extent we are).  I see now how every person I have ever met has been a piece of the puzzle that is my life.  Each person I come in contact with, whether for a life time, a brief time, a short span or even a few, fleeting moments, has touched me and taught me something, good or bad, and it is from meeting and/or knowing these individuals that I have become the person I am today.

meandmom2My mother and my son have taught me things too numerous to count over so many years.  friends have taught me patience, laughter, creativity, how to be friends with a lot of people at the same time and never lose touch with each other, the value of needing people and how that is really a huge part of what we are meant to do on our journey here in this plain/realm.  I have taken great lessons from bad experiences as well as astounding experiences.  kimanddawnannie&meHow many times have you thought to yourself, wow that was really a bad time in my life but if I had not lived through it then (blank) wouldn’t have happened and (blank) wouldn’t be here now and (blank) I wouldn’t be able to (blank) at this time in my life.

What about the lessons and influences I have given to others.  It isn’t just about what they have done for me, but what I was meant to do for them in their lives.  It is a two-lane highway of give and take and coming now upon this realization I feel empowered and anxious to meet those individuals who lie ahead for me to meet in my future.

To all of you I have ever met and have ever known, I thank you for your influence in my life and for my influence in yours and I look forward to meeting those of you I have yet to meet for just those reasons.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

THE RISE OF WOMEN


The Rise of Women


The conscious liberation of the female state,
 rises from suppression, from control, mutilation and degradation. 
We succumb no more to the ancient rituals derived by man,
to the barbaric practices of yesteryear. 
We rise in unison, we rise in pride,
we rise with joy and elation, welling up inside. 
We no longer allow them to choose who we are and how we live,
we are one, in unison.



© 2008 - Kimberly D. Miller

Sunday, August 25, 2013

DEAR DIARY

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Did you ever FEEL too much?  I mean REALLY feel ~ all the way to the deepest depths of your soul…get so far down into the abyss of yourself that you literally become lost.  Some people call it overthinking or overanalyzing, but how can thinking or analyzing ever be in excess?  We all, at some point or other, think about our mortality, the meaning of life, etc.  But did you ever want so desperately to know who you are that you are willing to dive into the black sea of emotions whose very horizon threatens your sanity every waking moment? 
I am a writer and an artist.  They say that artists teeter on the fine line between insanity and reality and each day that I am blessed with a clean slate in the morning, I realize that to be fact by the sun’s descent.  My own personal abyss used to cause me great depression and a very negative view of life in general.  Now, that I’ve grown and evolved with it, I am enamored by the myriad of layers which are all parts of me.  I can very much understand why people have multiple personality disorders.  It’s as though they cannot deal with all of the layers rolled into a united front ~ like the layers don’t make sense as a whole, but as separate entities, i.e. the feminine side, the masculine side, the musical side, the angry and happy sides, artistic side, sane side, crazy side, inhibited side…well, you get where I’m going here.  This is not new….far from it.  Exploration of these very depths have driven people mad as far back as you can imagine.  Leonardo Da Vinci comes right to mind. 
There is a soliloquy from Macbeth in which his wife wants to rectify the dire situation at hand and she prays, “Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here and fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst cruelty!  Make thick my blood; stop up the access and passage to remorse, that no compunctious visitings of nature shake my fell purpose nor keep peace between the effect and it!  Come to my woman’s breast and take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, wherever in your sightless substances you wait on nature’s mischief…”  The words are eloquent, yet a bit hard to understand in present society where such beautiful language has been torn asunder and twisted into the lazy colloquialisms we know today.  Loosely translated she is saying, “…Come down to me spirits and bring my mortal thoughts to fruition – take away my femininity (unsex me) and fill me from top to bottom with the worst cruelty and hatred known to man so that I feel no remorse or pity as it would be natural for me to do so.  Thicken my blood so my body will prevent these natural feelings of pity and remorse.  Drink poison from my breasts where there once was milk, killing you instead of nurturing you.” 
We all FEEL deeply sometimes, yet some of us are willing to go deeper than others…some of us are willing to strap on ankle weights and literally sink to the bottom of the muck…if there is a bottom, or risk sinking forever into the black abyss of nothingness. 
I write in my journal because I feel things SO deeply and because if I didn’t I’m pretty sure my soul would explode.  I deeply relate to the following lyrics in the song, “Breathe”, by Anna Nalick, “…2 a.m. and I’m still awake, writing a song…If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to…and I feel like I’m naked in front of a crowd cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you’ll use them however you want to…”  That’s how I feel most of the time.  It’s as though she is saying, “I’m putting it out there because I want to and no matter how you interpret them or use them, you can’t hurt me because I don’t care what other people think of who I am.”  I don’t care about others’ views of me and how I live my life.  If I want to convey or reveal an emotion to the world, or everyone in my local world, even raw passion, then I will.  The ultimate passion of self-love even.  I envision sitting naked in a chair before a large audience and after passionately caressing myself I spread my legs and masturbate until I explode and end up in an exhausted heap on the floor.  I then imagine the reaction of the crowd…there would be ooohs and oh-my-God’s and foul language thrown up at me by those in denial, living in their tortoise shells.  Then there would be fuck-yeahs, woo-hoos and you-go-girls from the free, uninhibited, honest people, who are comfortable in their own skin.  I’m always being judged for being “too open” which I have decided is a compliment from people too jealous and closed off to show others who they really are.  Those who hide from the world in fear.  I’m also called weird, twisted, stupid, idiot, and a freak and to me, all compliments.  Yes I FEEL and feeling, like masturbation, is a form of passion.  If a woman went before the same audience and performed a beautiful cello solo, she would be applauded for her passion.  Masturbation is a passion, a high form of self-love and comfort and something from which there should be no shame.  I use masturbation as an example here, but it would be the same in an form of expression of passion and feeling.
My poor mother, most of her life, was riddled with fear that someone might ever learn that there was a passionate bad girl inside of her that she kept shackled under lock and key.  The black waves of depression would nearly drown her from time to time because of it, but she always found the shore again and could wrap herself back in her shiny plastic wrap so the world could see the reflection of the image she wanted them to see.  Inside the plastic she believed the darkness she lived with could not escape.
So many people are living in plastic wrap and, for a time when I was young, I was too.  Don’t be afraid to FEEL to the darkest depths of your soul and put it out there for all to see.  Ask yourself, “What will others think of me if…” and then answer, “Who fucking cares what they think!”  Will your world end if it’s a negative comment about you?  People in your life who know you and know the deepest parts of you and don’t run away, now those are REAL friends and you know this because you have shown them every part of you and they are still there.  I will always be me ~ unique, one-of-a-kind, bearing no resemblance to my neighbor, and always laying my shit bare!  Like it…or don’t!

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