Monday, December 9, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Very few people have the privilege of being part of my life because they run at the first glimpse into my insanity. Well, sorry to say it people, but if you want to be in my life you have to accept me, not only for my sane moments, but my insane moments as well. I can count on one hand the people who have been able to do this and I thank God for them every day. I find I get along best with people who are like me, who also have flaws and disorders and major social and emotional "abnormalities."
My highs are extremely high and my lows extremely low, but I manage to hold down a job, keep a paycheck coming in, make my mortgage payments, pay my bills, and live the american, fucking dream. Yeah, some dream. What I desire in my life right now is to have close friends who I can talk to, day or night, on the phone or in person and go places and do things with. I want that friend to need me and call me with their problems so we can work them out together, keeping me in the loop because I'm that important to them and they know I will always be there to back them, no rules, no judgments, no expectations. It's a very lonely life without close friends. That is not to say that I have no close friends. I have three in California, one in France and one here in Arizona. I love them all very much.
I hope if any of you reading this knows someone with mental, emotional and/or social disorders, that you give them a chance and stick around long enough to find out who they are. Otherwise, you could be throwing away the chance to get to know someone who could be the coolest person you've ever met.
Life is what you make of it...so make it absolutely fabulous.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
we are the sum of all the people we have ever known…as well as those we have briefly met. I was recently thinking about a new friend I made and how, within the short time I have known her, her presence in my life has altered the way I view certain things, as if in a brand new light. Her views on life in general and honesty and integrity really made me think that I was meant to meet her at this particular time in my life because those are values that have recently taken on great importance to me in a way they never have before, and to meet someone with those core values now, is like being told, “this is another part of who you are and who you want to be, and this person can strengthen those qualities in you.” It isn’t that I don’t already believe in those things and use them in my daily life, but their value was never clear to me until recently. On the same note, I have been able to help her with areas she has been struggling to bring to the surface in her life as well.
It is now that I realize how plotted our lives are, and by that I mean our paths are mapped out for us even though we think we are making our own choices most of the time (and to some extent we are). I see now how every person I have ever met has been a piece of the puzzle that is my life. Each person I come in contact with, whether for a life time, a brief time, a short span or even a few, fleeting moments, has touched me and taught me something, good or bad, and it is from meeting and/or knowing these individuals that I have become the person I am today.
My mother and my son have taught me things too numerous to count over so many years. friends have taught me patience, laughter, creativity, how to be friends with a lot of people at the same time and never lose touch with each other, the value of needing people and how that is really a huge part of what we are meant to do on our journey here in this plain/realm. I have taken great lessons from bad experiences as well as astounding experiences. How many times have you thought to yourself, wow that was really a bad time in my life but if I had not lived through it then (blank) wouldn’t have happened and (blank) wouldn’t be here now and (blank) I wouldn’t be able to (blank) at this time in my life.
What about the lessons and influences I have given to others. It isn’t just about what they have done for me, but what I was meant to do for them in their lives. It is a two-lane highway of give and take and coming now upon this realization I feel empowered and anxious to meet those individuals who lie ahead for me to meet in my future.
To all of you I have ever met and have ever known, I thank you for your influence in my life and for my influence in yours and I look forward to meeting those of you I have yet to meet for just those reasons.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Did you ever FEEL too much? I mean REALLY feel ~ all the way to the deepest depths of your soul…get so far down into the abyss of yourself that you literally become lost. Some people call it overthinking or overanalyzing, but how can thinking or analyzing ever be in excess? We all, at some point or other, think about our mortality, the meaning of life, etc. But did you ever want so desperately to know who you are that you are willing to dive into the black sea of emotions whose very horizon threatens your sanity every waking moment?
I am a writer and an artist. They say that artists teeter on the fine line between insanity and reality and each day that I am blessed with a clean slate in the morning, I realize that to be fact by the sun’s descent. My own personal abyss used to cause me great depression and a very negative view of life in general. Now, that I’ve grown and evolved with it, I am enamored by the myriad of layers which are all parts of me. I can very much understand why people have multiple personality disorders. It’s as though they cannot deal with all of the layers rolled into a united front ~ like the layers don’t make sense as a whole, but as separate entities, i.e. the feminine side, the masculine side, the musical side, the angry and happy sides, artistic side, sane side, crazy side, inhibited side…well, you get where I’m going here. This is not new….far from it. Exploration of these very depths have driven people mad as far back as you can imagine. Leonardo Da Vinci comes right to mind.
There is a soliloquy from Macbeth in which his wife wants to rectify the dire situation at hand and she prays, “Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here and fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst cruelty! Make thick my blood; stop up the access and passage to remorse, that no compunctious visitings of nature shake my fell purpose nor keep peace between the effect and it! Come to my woman’s breast and take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, wherever in your sightless substances you wait on nature’s mischief…” The words are eloquent, yet a bit hard to understand in present society where such beautiful language has been torn asunder and twisted into the lazy colloquialisms we know today. Loosely translated she is saying, “…Come down to me spirits and bring my mortal thoughts to fruition – take away my femininity (unsex me) and fill me from top to bottom with the worst cruelty and hatred known to man so that I feel no remorse or pity as it would be natural for me to do so. Thicken my blood so my body will prevent these natural feelings of pity and remorse. Drink poison from my breasts where there once was milk, killing you instead of nurturing you.”
We all FEEL deeply sometimes, yet some of us are willing to go deeper than others…some of us are willing to strap on ankle weights and literally sink to the bottom of the muck…if there is a bottom, or risk sinking forever into the black abyss of nothingness.
I write in my journal because I feel things SO deeply and because if I didn’t I’m pretty sure my soul would explode. I deeply relate to the following lyrics in the song, “Breathe”, by Anna Nalick, “…2 a.m. and I’m still awake, writing a song…If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to…and I feel like I’m naked in front of a crowd cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you’ll use them however you want to…” That’s how I feel most of the time. It’s as though she is saying, “I’m putting it out there because I want to and no matter how you interpret them or use them, you can’t hurt me because I don’t care what other people think of who I am.” I don’t care about others’ views of me and how I live my life. If I want to convey or reveal an emotion to the world, or everyone in my local world, even raw passion, then I will. The ultimate passion of self-love even. I envision sitting naked in a chair before a large audience and after passionately caressing myself I spread my legs and masturbate until I explode and end up in an exhausted heap on the floor. I then imagine the reaction of the crowd…there would be ooohs and oh-my-God’s and foul language thrown up at me by those in denial, living in their tortoise shells. Then there would be fuck-yeahs, woo-hoos and you-go-girls from the free, uninhibited, honest people, who are comfortable in their own skin. I’m always being judged for being “too open” which I have decided is a compliment from people too jealous and closed off to show others who they really are. Those who hide from the world in fear. I’m also called weird, twisted, stupid, idiot, and a freak and to me, all compliments. Yes I FEEL and feeling, like masturbation, is a form of passion. If a woman went before the same audience and performed a beautiful cello solo, she would be applauded for her passion. Masturbation is a passion, a high form of self-love and comfort and something from which there should be no shame. I use masturbation as an example here, but it would be the same in an form of expression of passion and feeling.
My poor mother, most of her life, was riddled with fear that someone might ever learn that there was a passionate bad girl inside of her that she kept shackled under lock and key. The black waves of depression would nearly drown her from time to time because of it, but she always found the shore again and could wrap herself back in her shiny plastic wrap so the world could see the reflection of the image she wanted them to see. Inside the plastic she believed the darkness she lived with could not escape.
So many people are living in plastic wrap and, for a time when I was young, I was too. Don’t be afraid to FEEL to the darkest depths of your soul and put it out there for all to see. Ask yourself, “What will others think of me if…” and then answer, “Who fucking cares what they think!” Will your world end if it’s a negative comment about you? People in your life who know you and know the deepest parts of you and don’t run away, now those are REAL friends and you know this because you have shown them every part of you and they are still there. I will always be me ~ unique, one-of-a-kind, bearing no resemblance to my neighbor, and always laying my shit bare! Like it…or don’t!
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Did you ever notice how one day, you’re driving along, deep in thought, and you suddenly notice a road sign right in front of you with, either the answer to what you were contemplating or, more likely, a judgment call. This has been happening to me a lot lately, or maybe it happens all the time and I am really noticing it lately. I was thinking to myself, as I was driving deep in thought just recently, about what is happening in my life and about the direction I would like it all to take. I came around a bend in the road and there was this road sign, “ROUGH ROAD AHEAD.” I blurted out, “No fucking way.” But there it was, in black and yellow and it was so fitting to what I was just rolling over in my head. Then I thought about all the other times I noticed this happening.
A long time ago I was along for the ride with my father and one of his employees and we were headed to Santa Rosa to pick up supplies. We were talking about one of the locals we knew and trying to come up with a word to describe her recent actions. We came around a corner and there it was…the answer…a road sign that read, “DIP.” Talk about spontaneous combustion…we all got quiet, looked at the sign and burst into hysterical laughter at the irony of it all.
I haven’t seen a sign yet that didn’t have some relevant meaning to my present situation. “CAUTION,” is a huge one as well as, “YIELD,” and, “STOP.” I also love the funny signs. One that used to be posted all over the Staples parking lot here in town was the, “SPEED HUMP” signs. I would get so excited when I saw them. I thought, “Finally, I’m gonna get a quickie.”
So next time you’re out for a drive, pay close attention to the signs you see…they’re trying to tell you something!!!
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