I have always been quite "sensitive" and those of you who have known me for a long time know that from time to time I am privy to information regarding the future. I acquired this gift from my mother who acquired it from her mother and back so many generations it's quite impossible to say just where it began. I mention this fact only because recently I have been trying to come to terms with issues regarding my father and why I feel that he never loved me.
I realize my feelings in this area are largely based on the fact that he banned me from his life three and a half years before he died for the stupidest of all stupid reasons (he was very big on the "my way or the highway" theory of life), but I know deep down, during childhood, that he must have loved me to some degree. I just could not remember the man ever saying, "I love you," to me or my brothers. Hugs from him were pretty much nonexistent, but the occasional light punch in the arm followed by a, "Hey kiddo," was what I interpreted to be the extent of his outwardly affectionate capabilities. He was brought up in a strict German family and I remember his mother being "nice" but there was no physical attention from her either. I don't believe my father was hugged or told that he was loved very often.
Don't get me wrong though, my dad was a great provider for our family, he showered us with material things to compensate, and aside from the alcohol he needed to consume daily, he was funny and sarcastic, which were qualities each of us kids adopted as social coping skills.
Now that you have the back story I will move on. The other day, purely because I was sidetracked, which comes easily to me, I came home from work still pondering over my father issues when I wandered into the spare room and decided to un-stick the drawer on the old trunk my father made when he was a boy and which was given to me in my teens to use as a hope chest. I was drawn to this drawer. A drawer I hadn't thought to even go near in over a year. I gathered the necessary tools and busily went to work un-sticking that bottom drawer as though I were driven to do it. When I finally succeeded, the drawer opened and lo and behold there were a plethora of things from my childhood that I had forgotten even existed. One in particular was an Autograph book that was given to me on my 13th birthday and which I treasured and took everywhere with me over the years to have people write in. I opened that book to this page. I couldn't believe what I saw. My eyes went straight to the, "Love always," part of this page. For the life of me I could not remember this being in this book, but there it was, plain as day; proof that he loved me.
Isn't it wonderful how well it works if you listen and follow the signs you are led to in life. Thank you universe for this fulfilling closure on this chapter of my life. I am now honestly able to forgive my father (although he died in 1995), rid myself of years of negative muck in this area, and move forward toward a healthier me.